Ed Grimley Visits Suburbia

While walking the dogs this morning I saw an oddly-shaped man ahead of us, walking himself. Really quickly. I guess his shape wasn't the actual kooky-looking thing. It was more that he walked with a very noticeable pelvic-thrust, like Ed Grimley, and wore a white t-shirt and bright blue shorts pulled up to his nipples, like my Uncle Joe used to (which, I loved about him). But it was really his black socks and shiny black shoes that got me wondering a few things, like.....who was this memorable-looking man? Where was he headed on a frosty morning without his long pants? And, why haven't non-perturbative string theory formulations progressed beyond a divergent series of spacetime approximations?

I tried to catchup to chilly Mr. Grimley, not because I'm competitive or anything (wink), but I needed to see where he was going, or belonged. This would've been much easier, without two somewhat large dogs who were much more interested in checking-in on their favorite pee-poles and staring down a variety of critters. Which apparently can only be done while at a complete stop lasting at least 19 seconds. I've clocked it - I know.

Unfortunately Mr. Grimley didn't need to stop for anything. Even a pee pole (thankfully, I suppose). Maybe he was too cold to linger along his route. But by the time the dogs and I crested the hill and rounded the corner he'd just thrust his pelvis around, he was gone.

So sad. Until he resurfaces - if ever - I won't know if he made it safely to his destination. And where that would've been. Which just meant imagining one of these possibilities......

• Mr. Grimley is a renowned speed walker training for an Alpine-based world championship, by thrusting himself up and down the dreaded Madison Drive hill across the road from my house. I didn't check the bottom of the hill but if he's still there, I'm afraid the wild turkey flocks got him.


• Or....he's in the Witness Protection Program after blowing his undercover assignment as a Goldman Sachs informant. So hiding in Western Pennsylvania should work out just fine for him....apparently certain professional athletes do it all the time.


• Maybe I caught him in a morning after Walk of Shame. Which he deserved, for wearing that Uncle Joe outfit for his date the night before. Just ANOTHER reason I need to avoid match.com.

And oh gosh....so many more possibilities.

So until the next sighting, I'll keep imagining what Ed Grimley-dressed-as-Uncle Joe, was doing in extreme suburbia.

Don't you say.....